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April 12, 2010


Think carefully about your next few words, son...

One of my friends just found out that her husband of one year – whom she had long suspected of conducting online trysts (with boys, no less) – was actually having multiple real-world affairs…with WOMEN.

Then he had the nerve to try and emotionally bully her into letting him stay in their home (that her parents bought for them) for at least another three months…while continuing his liaisons!

Three days later, her father drove down from the remote mining community where he presides as Justice of the Peace…and expert coffin maker (he flies to China several times a year to teach apprentices how to build them for the rapidly aging Chinese population).

He arrived yesterday in his rusty flatbed truck, and knocked politely on the door (his daughter was being comforted by friends at a local restaurant). The husband cautiously answered the door. The father shook his hand firmly, stared a long, quiet hole through the source of his daughter’s anguish, and then nodded towards the truck…

There was a pine coffin sitting open in the back.

The husband is now hiding at a lover’s apartment.

His things have been placed in storage (the girl has too much class to destroy them).

And the girl’s parents filled the empty space with a lovely old piano (she was a virtuoso in her

youth) and a mountain of precious books from her personal library up north.

The moral(s) of this tale?

  1. Don’t get married ’til you’re good and ready.  If I’ve learned anything after 20 years of dating, it’s that you simply can’t justify sowing your damn oats at someone else’s expense.
  2. Trust your intuition.  If someone’s an habitual cheater, they WANT to get caught – they’ll leave clear signs of their dalliances
  3. Fellas…if you’re dead set on following your dick like a goddamn divining rod once you’re married, due diligence is in order – her father’s occupation says a lot about what you’re getting into.
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